How many sheets do you use?? Wait!!  Who fawkin cares??   I hate to point out the obvious, actually, I take it back… I LOVE it!   I’m amazed by TV commercials now a days and how they market products to consumers…  funny thing is,  paper-towel still has the same pitch they’ve had all my life!   The question is, when you spill something on the floor,  let’s say milk…  do you actually look at the puddle and think: “Hmmmmmmm….  commercial says I can use one sheet, so here goes!”, then you realise, WTF????  I’m on my 3rd sheet now and there’s still milk there!  Do you actually bring the paper-towel back to the store and tell them: “Listen, the commercial says I can wipe 3 litres of milk with only 1 sheet, and I used 3…. I want my fawkin money back!!”…. So do you??  Cause I think that would just plain be embarrassing!!   Yet, people buy in to these gimmicks religiously cause our lives depend on how many sheets of paper-towel we’re going to use…. and how it could financially cripple our lives if we happen to use more than what the commercials say!   It’s paper-towel for God’s sake….. if you want something extra absorbant, buy diapers or fawkin kotex pads!!  (I love the word Kotex!)…..  better yet, use a towel and just wash it after use!

Same goes for all the other producs out there….  like “Anti-Cavity” toothpaste!   Why the hell would you buy “pro-cavity toothpaste”!?  Doesn’t that defeat the whole purpose!   Oh, and what about these Mach 5 razors!?    How many blades does one need to shave their face or legs??    Now they have these gels coming out while you shave, and vibrations so that you can get an erection while you’re actually holding sharp blades to your throat…. and next thing you know you’ll be able to order take-out through your razor while having a conversation with you razor as you’re shaving and it will tell you how smooth your face is, and how beautiful you are….  Oh, and not 3 or 4 blades either…  but 18 blades so that you can start from the top of your head and remove every stran of hair from your forehead to your ankles in one single stride!!   Now there’s a pitch people would buy into!

Well, the new year is upon us….  and as part of my 2009 resolution this year, I told myself I’d be nice to people that most people aren’t always nice to… like hobos,  solicitors, and maybe even politicians!   You never know who might end up changing your diapers down the road, so might as well treat people like you’d want to be treated right!!??

I had the day off on Monday so decided to do some work around the house.    Part of this included me installing a shelving unit downstairs, which consisted of a wall mounted shelve with about 8 screws and 3 pages of instructions!   Because I enjoy carpentry work so much, I went to my dad’s to get me some tools…  a drill…  a stud finder (which failed to beep when I ran it across my body)…a hammer… a level… and a blow torch!   Everything except the blow torch was needed, but at the same time it’s good to have it around being the patient person that I am when it comes to these things in case I want to burn down the whole thing should I encounter problems.  Things started out ok…  measured the distance from the floor,   marked my holes that I had to drill for the clips to hold the shelve, etc etc…  EASY right??!!    Then after all the holes were done and I proceeded to put the shelf up,  the wall must have shifted cause the damn thing didn’t align!   Of course the first thing that came to mind was: “GET THE TORCH!!”…. but then the door bell rang!!!   Like a sign from the heavens above a nice echoing chime rang all over where I looked up and thought: “What the fawk now??!”….   Walked up the stairs to find 2 women standing at my front door in high heel leather boots with smiles on their faces…  ”Hmmmmmmm…. There is a god!!!” I thought….  I don’t usually clean up my front step too much during winter months because that involves shoveling and breaking ice, and somehow that clause wasn’t including in my mortgage when I got the house, so figured it wasn’t an obligation!   After putting some clothing on (cause I didn’t want to scare them off wearing only a leather tool-belt and white socks), I proceeded to greet them!   

“Hello there!!” I said…    to which they responded with a smile…. and then everything just came crashing down on me when I noticed a bible in their hands!!    But being the good kind hearted person that I perceive myself to be, plus it was my day off and I was bored, I figured I’d have a chat with them….  As a kid growing up,  I remember my family calling eachother and seeking cover as soon as they’d see solicitors roaming around the neighborhood, and I thought, how sad!!   They’re humans!  At least give them the benefit of the doubt and engage in conversation, even if that means telling them off!!    After about 5 minutes of having them standing on an ice covered porch in the cold and talking through a crack in the door,  I invited them in…  why not I thought??     Within about 2 minutes of conversation and questions,  she decided to start reading me passages from the bible!   I felt like I was acting out a scene in a movie where the moment of awkwardness and keeping a straight face is nearly impossible, but I pulled it off…  acting amazed at what I just heard noding my head in affirmation!   Of course, they see this and likely think to themselves: “HOOK, LINE AND SINKER”…. well,  unfortunately for them,  my brain washing days ended when my mom told me one day when throwing rocks at seaguls that my arm would end up freezing in a throwing position forever if I kept doing it!   I think I was 5….   after a few years of testing this theory (up until I turned around 27),  I knew it was flawed!!     

I must have chatted with them for a good half hour before they realised I wasn’t buying into the whole “God will save you speal”…  and thanked them for their time.   I’m not going to get into the details of everything that was said, but when I got back downstairs to finish my shelf, it had miraculous installed itself!!!   Consider me a believer!   Now I hope I can get a visit from some leprechauns next week so that I can finally find out why the hell they haven’t released whole grain frosted lucky charms yet!   Bastards!!

Another year has come and gone…  Time flies doesn’ t it??   As we look back at 2008 and reflect on our lives and what we’ve learned in the last  year, we can’t help but think about what 2009 will have in store for us.  Yes, this is the time of year where everyone thinks about what changes they’ll make in their lives for the new year… Just like every year, people make vows to themselves and sometimes to others to make improvements in their every day life… most of which they keep for about 2 weeks… then forget about them until next year…. things like exercise, stop smoking, stop drinking and maybe even masturbating 3 times a day always tops the list every year…  I don’t enjoy committing to certain things where I know I’m just kidding myself so this year, I made up a new list of resolutions to make 2009 my “experimental” year…  here goes : 

1. Eat more paint and sniff more flavored glue…. you can never have too much glue! 
2. Remove glass from TV screen, crawl through into “Baywatch” and give the Hoff a run for his money!
3.  Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store…
4.  Check on Eggos buried in backyard; see if “waffle tree” has grown yet (it’s been 3  years now)…
5.  I’s gonna build me a spaceship… and don’t laugh! I’ll show all of you!!  
6. Remember to brush teeth with bristly end of toothbrush… Doh!!
7. Don’t eat medicine just because it looks like candy…. Ah hell, who am I kidding, if it looks like candy — it’s candy!!
8. I’ll try to get more edumacated and spoken better english!!  I could also try being less “goofy” and maybe more “wacky”…  I’ll  also say “NO” to drugs… unless I twist my own arm…  

And remember… if it taste like bacon but doesn’t look like it, it’s probably dog  food….

THIS my friends, is by far the coolest phone I’ve ever seen in my life!!  If you go through the demo and explore this, you’ll see that the ever so popular iPhone has NOTHING on this!!  Trust me!!    Too bad it’s not real…. DOH!   This is actually a promotion for Nova Scotia!  Wtf?

Well, made it through another snow storm…  somehow I actually enjoy driving around in bad weather… I wonder what that means!?    I went to Costco last night…  I’m like a kid in a toy store everytime I set foot in there!   It doesn’t even matter what they’re selling, I want it!!   Last night while walking through the aisles, they had a cash register, oh yes!  Digital too!!  And of course, I just couldn’ t help but look at the price and ask myself : “Hmmmm, where could I make use of this??!!”….   Even better, their mini replica desks!!   Somehow these things make me want to chop both my legs down and get one!   I don’t care about the real thing, give me the miniature version!!    And the food!!  Man…  I can’t see how the Olsen twins could go anorexic if they had a Costco nearby!  

This time next week will be Xmas eve!  Aww the joy of the festive holiday season!   Isn’t it great??   Seems everyone’s in a rush to get somewhere and do something at this time of year!  It’s like a flock of seaguls going in for the kill in a Burger King  parking lot with one lonely french fry just laying there…  Everyone keeps telling me : “Denis, why  haven’t you done your Xmas shopping yet!??”, to which I respond : “What would Jesus do??”…  and the conversation comes to an abrubt end…

So I was watching tv the other night and came upon this show.  It’s about some of America’s wealthiest people going undercover in society to find people in need and donate at least $100K of their own money to lend a helping hand.   Just like almost every other reality show these days, they claim it’s unscripted and people don’t know what’s happening, but then I can’t help but think: “Hmmmmmm, I wonder if they’re curious about the camera that’s on them while they’re spilling out their entire life’s disapointment in the comfort of their own refrigerator box living room??”…. don’t get me wrong,  I think the concept is great and makes people feel good about themselves, but in some instances, the acting skills give it away…  It’s like Extreme Makeover Home Edition, how many times have you showed up at some home (with a family living in poverty) at 7 am where everyone’s all dressed up and packed to go do Disney World!!?? 

So I started my Xmas shopping this past weekend!  Somehow the mall (the “hall” if you shop in Bouctouche) is quite entertaining this time of year…  Nice to see the economic crisis isn’t affecting shopping habits that much!   This year I’ve decided my gift to everyone would be “ME”, for a designated amount of time…  Perfect gift isn’t it?   I can talk, listen, I can work, clean, and I can come with ribbons and a bo if anyone cares!  Wrapping paper is optional!  Sure it might sound a little conceded, but hell, you can’t find this shit on Ebay, plus, no worries about shipping, I have a car!!!